So I sent a message to my friends on Facebook and Twitter and asked for suggestions for topics to write about. Among the most ridiculous suggestions like ninjas and chocolate, was one legitimate answer, Marriage. This seemed like a good starting topic toward my attempt to blog regularly. And so here we are... (I should tell you that I don’t believe in censoring myself much, so there maybe a few bad words in here… and all my blogs. If that offends you, please feel free to substitute the word with something less offensive to you.)
I have been married for almost 4 years, which isn't very long when you think about couples that have been married for 50+ years. I am not writing this blog claiming to know everything about marriage, as that would be stupid, but to talk about some interesting, and what I think are important topics that don't get discussed much.
The two things I want to talk about are Ridiculousness and The Lies of Fighting, so lets start with ridiculousness.
Over the last four years, my wife Kristy and I have been through a lot. We have two amazing kids that are both under the age of 3, we left the missions organization that we were a part of, not on the best of terms, and I started a business nearly 2 years ago with one of my best friends. I won't go into too much detail, but the specifics of these things involved a lot of heartbreak, hurt, laughter, joy, healing and the typicalness of life. We've dealt with medical issues with our son, overcoming bad theology (which is a killer by the way), and for anyone that wants one of the hardest challenges ever, start a business in a bad economy and during a presidential election year. Through all of this, one of the things that I think has been most important to our marriage has been the ability to be ridiculous with each other. I can attest that we were both fairly ridiculous before we met and before we had kids, but the combination of she and I and now creating two little ridiculous people, well, we are one really ridiculous family.
For those who wonder what I am talking about, let me provide some additional words to define the meaning: laughable, absurd, comical, amusing, ludicrous. For what this looks like, go to youtube and look up, “what does the fox say.” or just have kids of your own, I believe its built into them. So what is so magical about being ridiculous? A few things, first it breaks down walls between each other, and not just in the moment. Once you have divulged how ridiculous you are to someone, there is no going back. You are either accepted or rejected on your level of ridiculousness. It should be in every couples wedding vows, “Do you take this person and how freakin ridiculous they are?” Secondly, it allows you to trust the other person with something you may not show to everyone else in your life. Lastly, it allows you to be more like a child and retain and regain that innocence that gets stolen so often in this world. Kids are the best teachers of being ridiculous. To sum it up, I believe ridiculousness is intimacy in one of the purest forms and should be experienced daily by everyone. It allows you to laugh, be real, and really get to know the person you have married.
The Lies of Fighting
When Kristy and I got married we heard from everyone that we would fight a lot. We didn’t really ever fight while dating so I guess the assumption was that we would get so annoyed living with each other that we would burst into flames of fury and rip each other’s heads off in a war of words. We didn’t understand this way of thinking, being that we are both fairly chill individuals. Don’t get me wrong, we can both get very argumentative and passionate about certain topics, but for the most part we are normally very chill and laid back. Through these 4 years we have had our disagreements and have on occasion had a fight, but it is rare. We both believe in talking things through and not treating each other like, well, a piece of shit. Let me just say this, I don’t think fighting is bad. For some people it is the only way they know how to deal with issues and there is nothing wrong with that. What I do think is a problem is when you make a person into an item or situation and fight in that direction. When you become your own attorney to get your point across and all you want to do is win, things can become horrible. I know a ton of attorneys and I can tell you that most of the time when they are dealing with a case, an opponent’s feelings and value are not taken into consideration, the objective is to win. Let me advise on this tactic when used in your marriage, it won’t turn out well for anyone so stop being an asshole and learn to communicate without being hurtful. Let me finish this section with this, in my opinion and very little experience, fighting is not a requirement for a healthy marriage, but clear communication is. If you want to stay married and be happy, you will eventually have to talk through the issues at hand, so why dance around it with insults that scar the other person.
So these are my two cents of marriage advise for this blog. I don’t believe they are the only things that make a marriage great, but they certainly are contributors in my opinion and experience. What is your opinion on these topics? I believe in having meaningful, thought provoking, and sometimes deep conversations, so feel free to engage in the comment section or come hang out with us and talk.